What Makes A Man?

Recently I lost one of the most influential persons in my contemporary life (I lost the first -- my father -- 20 years ago): my father-in-law. A modest man with a fifth-grade education yet a man who had a tremendous impact on everyone he came in contact with. The profundity of his wisdom and spirituality was not notable because he overwhelmed you with it. No, in fact, he need not say a word for you to be aware of it. Once he engaged you – and trust that he was usually the initiator in most meetings – it was not hard to discern the essence of the man in front of you. So, as I said goodbye to a soul I truly thought personified the moniker of a man, I began to think what I would tell a son a man was if I had one today. 

Here are my thoughts:

On the surface one could argue that “manhood” is achieved once a male reaches a certain age: 21. And to some this is the only criteria that they use to deem themselves a man. Though they may lack the ability to lead and they tend to blame others for their problems, they still believe that because they have a penis and a pair of testicles and can get a woman pregnant that they are a man. They aren’t. They are a liability to themselves and their community. They are a victim who believes that challenging others, being mean to others (bullying), and taking advantage of those they perceive are weaker than them is the way to prove themselves a man. That’s false. 

A “man” in the cultural sense is one who is responsible and accountable for what is his -- good or bad. To be a man is to understand that there are certain things that are inherent in the title. Characteristics such as humility, integrity, and respect are absolutes for a man. Also, a man understands and practices sacrifice to ensure those he is charged to love and care for get what they need. And though strength is another characteristic that defines a real man, it is not physical strength but strength in character that is paramount. 

A real man does not have to prove to another that he is strong; it is evident in what he says and does. A male who thinks he has to puff out his chest, yell and intimidate others is a coward and a bully and doesn’t understand that he is only proving himself an insecure, hapless burden as opposed to a pillar of strength and dependability. A man who uses his strengths to build others up and help them achieve heights greater than they thought they ever could is the personification of the title. 

The interesting thing is there is little you can do in a moment to prove yourself a man. A man ascends from his deeds. A man is such because he is trustworthy and accountable. He lives by a standard that is palpable to those who know him and easily seen by those who don’t. If you have to prove yourself a man, then it is likely that your deeds have yet to define you as such. When you can point to your accomplishments – big or small, good or bad – and own them, learn from them, and teach from them; then you have become a man. 

Struggle through adversity with humility to understand that conceding a battle does not mean you have lost the war. Resolve to ensure that those who are counting on you – even if it is only you – know no matter what the crucible, all will rise with you and be better than they were before the storm. A true man understands these words are implicit in everything he does. 

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As I listened to the words of the many who shared in the experience of knowing and loving my father-in-law, I realized that they too understood as I that they had lived in the midst of a true man. Though he was 5 foot 9 inches, he was taller than most. Though he was as strong as the average man, he was one of the strongest men I knew. Though he was of a modest educational background, his wisdom was greater than many of the world’s best scholars. And though there are men who have books and stories written about them, to those who knew him, he was one of the greatest men they will have ever known. 

Work hard to be the best to those around you and let history determine your caliber. Stand firm in your convictions and take care of your charges. Be unwavering in your promises and accountable for your actions and when all is said and done the narrative will be that one indelible mark that we all hope to hear one day: He was a good man!

S. McGill

One of the most powerful things in the world can be obtained and used liberally by anyone who chooses to use it.  "If" can be the beginning of something great or the acquiescence to defeat. How will you use your "if"?